I'm depressed.

I'm not feeling so good ...

I cried myself to sleep last night or should I say, 4.30 am...

I had a huge brawl with my aunt last night because of my application personal statement. I know her worries and qualifications will make it easier for her to edit or correct my personal statement but I all i need is her guidance. I dont have to listen to her completely, to change my whole personal statement. I do accept her changes but it's still my final decision because even if I want to regret, I have myself to blame. I knew I dare to voiced out my opinion to defend my personal statement. My aunt did have experience about writing formal statement and formal documents. She knew what the lecturers want because I admit she's right that the lecturers want specific answers. She even showed me her university's project. But nobody's perfect. She has problem with her English structure, grammar mistakes etc. As a superior, in the beginning, I thought I'll let her edit what she wants but I'll keep the original and then only make changes to the original copy without her knowing because I did not want to give an impression that I am rude and ignorant. How can she possibly understand my feelings? I control. I suppress the urge to tell her, her mistakes but I did not. Then, she found out what i've been doing. She's furious, of course and said things. Finally, I could no longer witheld my emotions and told her straight to the point that I want to have the final say and all. She gave me 30 minutes to do whatever I want and she'll send it to my eldest uncle, which I think he is more sensible and wise, to edit for me. After finishing, she wants to read through again, which she edit even more than previously. Gosh! Can you feel the tension waiting to explode in me?? I've been in Singapore under short notice, as in I was given only 2 days notice, had lots of places to go, lots of phone calls to make, lots of people to meet, lots of things to do etc. I hate it. I hate being pressure. I hate being asked to do things and can't refused them. I hate being forced. I always console myself that it's all for my own good but I can't ...

I do feel bad for answering her back. She sacrifices so much of her time and effort. I appreciate it alot. I just.. u understand rite?

Now, everyone in my family will think that I'm a little pampered girl, totally dependant, ignorant, rude etc, no thanks to my aunt who has been painting a black picture of me in front of the other uncles and aunts especially my mum! For Christ sake! Of course they'll believe her more than me. She's the oh-so-great analyser and professional critique. And how do I know what she's been doing? My mum just called and gave me her piece of mind. When I asked her when am I going back.. she says until I finish everything. Hello?! I know the urgentness to send out the application form but my mum.. of all people.. my mum couldn't understand. She didn't sense my desperateness to go home. I just consume her speech and maybe later when I'm in a more depressed moment, I can think of what she said and sink deeper than the Titanic and cry more than Justin's river.

Maybe they're right that I'm too pampered. I should live up to their expectations. I should grow up in a few hours and suprise my aunt with the new and improved me. I should pretend nothing happen and let it all out during the night. I should suppress all inside and blame everything on myself. I should understand their good intentions and blame it on my ignorance. I should stop being so childish and start being selfish. I should just shut up, stop writing and get started to change myself.