Today is the day when i turn REALLY selfish.
Wait.. I AM selfish. All the time.
Maybe what you see of me is not real. It's just a show. Aint we all afraid of being hurt and ridicule? Am I putting on a mask? Are you wearing one too? Can you really be optimistic? I know I can't. There are days when I'm down but there are days when I'm way up high. Today is one of those days where i'm down and my optimism is about 0.01%.
All it took is a little bit of superstition (not exactly superstition) and a stranger to nearly reduce me to tears. I took my aura photo the other day and supposingly, people with contented and stable life will emit colourful auras. Good colours are yellow = money, pink = love, green = stablity, blue= serenity & etc. Colours considered not-so-good are red and orange i think.
As for me, my colours, let me rephrase, colour without the S is RED. Not only it's red, the picture is blurry too. The sensei said that usually students will face this sort of condition : blur, cloudy pictures which means they are confused and undecided about their future. As for the colour red, it represents my temper. He explained to me about my temper. He said I am easily agitated because no one understands me. He asked me to talked to my parents about what i really want and I need to express what's my fear and worries. Easier said than done. Oh and about stress. Stress. stress. And you think only studying and exams can bring you stress?! Then, he went on talking about carrying the burden of the family on the back and being the eldest children responsibilities. I thought I can escape from committments (cos committments sucks) but responsibilites came chasing after me . It's my responsibility as a daughter, as a child, as the eldest. Then again, what I know about committments? Committment is like being parents.
You can never stop , quit or resign.
I admire their sacrifice and aware of their hardships and it hurts me even more for being their hope cos I'll only dashed it. I'm worried I can't cope up with my studies. Heck, I havent even decide on which course to study or which uni to choose! I really hate making decisions. So far, nearly all major decisions ended up in regrets. From the movie "Lost" airing in AXN, the doctor's father told him "not to make any decisions because in the end, when the outcome turned out differently, the only one who is disappointed is yourself". I beg to differ because living should not be filled with regrets but I can't help feeling the similarity . I am afraid of disappointing them and even more afraid in disappointing myself. ShoOt. When will I learn to grow up and be more aggresive?!
You might think i'm foolish for believing such things but he (the sensei) can tell me things that I keep to myself and provide a little help on solving the problems. That itself gave me some comfort. Btw, I prefer to keep things to myself. Hence the pesky pimples which represents each problems buried inside and volcanoes awaiting to erupt. Anyway, all i'm trying to say is, it's hard to find someone who really understands me.
Hopefully, in ten years time, I am able to read this post and laugh myself silly for worrying bout nothing. And by that time, I hope to take another aura photo which hopefully emits rainbow colour.
You might think i'm foolish for believing such things but he (the sensei) can tell me things that I keep to myself and provide a little help on solving the problems. That itself gave me some comfort. Btw, I prefer to keep things to myself. Hence the pesky pimples which represents each problems buried inside and volcanoes awaiting to erupt. Anyway, all i'm trying to say is, it's hard to find someone who really understands me.
Hopefully, in ten years time, I am able to read this post and laugh myself silly for worrying bout nothing. And by that time, I hope to take another aura photo which hopefully emits rainbow colour.
I'm just scared.
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