Heavy hearted

"Sometimes you don't get closure. You just move on."

On a certain slow day and BAM!, sentences like this rings true.

I'm thankful for many things but so far 2016 doesn't look too good. Or it could be the PMS talking. *stupid reason but whatever* 😂

It's already February and i hate having uncertainties with plans half hanging. I detest indecisiveness. I want to commit so much but there are so many factors in the decisions I'm making. Ya I know it sounds vague but like I said, this blog is a outlet to vent. Sometimes it's hard explaining things even to the closest friend. The response can be lukewarm and not everyone gets my worries  😥

Another reason for being emo could be the age factor. The dreaded big 3-0 this year. It's not the number but more of what have I accomplished in these years? 😱😱😱 What I can be proud of? Fuh. Will leave this for another day. I vaguely remember at the age of 21 when life seems carefree, 30 seems so far away. So many things to do, long time more till then and *snap* there goes 3 decades.

Need to sort my shit out *not literally* Im trying to add positivity in my life. Just get out and do things that make me happy. And not wait!  I've missed so many opportunities just by waiting. Argh. 😡 Actually I know what I'm doing now is short term happiness. My worries are my long term plans. But I know there has to be a balance or else I'm going to be so stressed out. I also realised from observing behaviour of my closer friends, for one is, being persistent for one's needs. I'm the kind who sadly accepts my bad luck once faced with an obstacle but my friend will argue with absolute positivity. Not the angry kind. I really need to take the 10 secs rule before making decisions. 😤😤😤

Crossing finger for at least one successful plan for this year.

I wanna travel more, love fiercely, live happily!

Random musings

It's 3am in the morning..

Just came back from an outing with the usual gang in KK. A new group of friends I became closer within 10 months or so.

And it hit me that as much as I enjoy the companionship, sometimes I cant help feeling sad that my friends feed on others negativity to keep the conversation going. It may be funny if you're not THE joke but it's hurtful when you're the said topic.

And Im sure if I voiced it out.. I'll be seen as childish but.. you see, everyone's needs are different. I cant compromise my happiness for your entertainment. Hence, most of the time, I'll try to control what I said, and just laugh.. I'll try my best not to laugh at others misery cos I know exactly how it feels..

Hmm.. it's different from my usual friends from high school or college friends which I hangout with, in the sense, random topics, ideas or nonsense are things we chat about and joke non stop. No direct personal jokes on a particular person, and I remember leaving, feeling uplifted and encourage that I have a group of friends who appreciate me for who I am and where I can really get support.

I guess everyone is different and I just need to learn to adapt to the situation.

What's saddening is, it limits what I wanna say, share or joke about..

I know I can trust them when it come to certain situations and I know we must have shared some common sentiments to become a group ... but feelings like this is not something I wanna feel all the time.. sigh.

Human is such a peculiar creature...

Dear, me.

Twice, tears were shed for the same reason.

It has been a long time since I last cried.. that particular morning, I cried when I saw the FB status.. I cried on the way to work.. I cried on the phone, talking and seeking advice from my confidante... at work *gasp*

Who would have know that at the age of 24, I would actually cried for a friendship issue?!

I assured myself countless times that I am important and irreplaceable.. but the reality is.. nothing lasts forever.. The truth is I am hurt that I AM replaceable.

Ms. Confidante told me to give space and time since everyone will go thorough this phase of meeting new friends, finding new excitement and better friends.

It makes full sense and I totally accept the fact, cos if I'm in the opposite shoes, I would probably act the same.

What hurts though is being treated invisible and being left tailing behind..

If it's meant for me to be alone, then so be it. Alone is not a bad thing. At least I am the centre of my own world, not the back up person. It's just hard to accept. I am big enough to adapt.

Foolish me had been so dependent on a single person, that I forget to think way beyond the "what-ifs".

And here comes the wake up call.. it may not be obvious but it's there.. the in-betweens.

Foolish me trying so hard to make things work but it doesn't fall to place.

A BIGGER foolish me to be so bitter when my friend is probably at the happiest period and I should be glad and unselfish.

Foolish me wish from the bottom of my heart, the best in life for my friend..who has been the dearest to me, totally irreplaceable.

Foolish me just wanna find a place to release this sorrow and I believe my happiness is somewhere out there..

Hence, the second time of shedding tears.

The tears of realization of what have become of us.

Life is a constant learning process and I am learning now to take things slowly..

We do need space for personal development and be seen as an individual eventually :D

Byebye Malacca

Leaving Malacca in a few hours time, a place I grew to love, just like Manipal.



I am glad that MMMC's campus is in Malacca, with Melaka GH and Muar Hospital as our training ground, which might not be the best teaching hospital but the patients and hospital staffs *who can be pain-in-the-ass-at-times* are very accommodating, especially when it's nearing exams. I seriously can't picture myself being woken up by medical students for interrogation and examination, repeat 50X. Haha. And the campus is near to home with wee-bit of entertainment around to fill-up time (exploring Malacca for good food and nice ambience to chillout), not forgetting the lecturers, some who are more dedicated than others *opps* but all deserve their due respects.

*editted: What i do NOT miss bout Malacca is the slow-poke brainless Malaccan no. plate drivers. Not all but majority! They have the ability to make, even the holiest nun to burst in anger and probably the main cause attributing to road rage statistics! *

Malacca is albeit different from Manipal.

Here, I realised quanlity rules over quantity. It's not the amount of friends that matters but the friends who sticks around for better or worse, which is suffice. It is during this 5 years in medical course that shaped my early adulthood. I learned that it's impossible to please everybody *I admit that I was a people-pleaser in Manipal, just because I thought having more friends is better than having enemies* but it comes to a certain point in my life that I think I should put myself first once in awhile and make my stand. Sometimes, we can be friends because we overlook a certain things, adding tolerance and acceptance but of course, FATE plays an important part and other times, friends fall out due to clashing of personalities, misunderstanding or just because ;) In this point of my life, I know who are my true friends who I should put effort to stay in touch and I know they'll do the same :)



Some wonderful memories with wonderful peeps.







Saying goodbye to Malacca it's like saying bye to medical student's life (all studying, playing and spending money) and a reluctant HI to working life (bills to pay, responsibilities to carry and further studies to pursue) :( Oh well, I guess this is life!


P.S: Planning for Europe trip is a bitch.
Flights, trains, hotels hostels argghh *pulls hair* but luckily, there's Leeky to be the ideal travel partner. *fingers cross for a fun adventure*
Couldnt think of anyone else to do this with :D

The ups and downs of Emergency Department

Downs:

• Despite resuscitations effort, patients still expired. In the end, God decides who gets to live and who gets to go.
• Expired patients' grieiving family members wailing, crying and sobbing. The first patient I saw today, her family members were crying but wasnt disturbingly loud. The second patient's family members were sobbing so loudly *don't get me wrong, I'm not annoyed but rather disturbed* I was in the verge of tearing myself though I was in the next cubicle doing ECG on another patient. All along, I thought I would be fine. The doctors, paramedics, nurses all seemed fine. "I cant be the only one being emotional," I said to myself. The thought of the patient being my grandparents *touchwood* is so heartbreaking. The patient's body was still warm! The first patient whom I did CPR, her body was cold and I dunno why it didnt hit me as bad as the second patient. Sigh. I guess it's a part-and-parcel of growing up in medic field. 2 deaths in a day.

Ups:

• While helping a doctor to do ECG on a patient, I overhead this conversation between a medical assistant, A, was assisting me and another medical assistant.

B: Hey A, what's wrong with this patient?

A: Oh, *with a serious face*, dia kentut berdarah.

Me: *Literally burst out laughing but thank God there's face mask covering my medical student dignity*

B: *also with a straight face* Oh. Bloody flatus?

Sometimes this medical assistants are darn funny. Their spontaneity really cracked me up. Some of them do show respects to doctors. They make the working environment easier in alot of ways.

• Different spectrum of cases are presented in the Emergency Department. Life will never be mundane. LOL.

Friendship talk

It holds true that it's not the quantity but the qualtiy of the friendship that counts.
People enter our lives everyday; some might leave or some might stay; some make a difference or impact and some just remain as acquaintance.

I have to confessed that I've been a very lousy friend but am really touched by the concern and love given by my friends.

The other day, I promised Leeky to play squash with her around 6pm and headed to sleep. When the time comes to wake up, I had headache so I messaged her and told her I cant join her. Moments later, subconsicously I checked my phone and saw her replying that it was ok and she left her phone at home. I assumed all is well until the next day, when I met her coincidently in the hospital cafetaria and she joined me for breakfast. She seems like her usual happy mood. Then I left for my class. Told her I would see her in the afternoon. Then during the afternoon class, she was discussing vehemently with Olive but still joked around with me. Dunno why but I felt a tad bit distant. So, after class, she was talking to someone and I took my leave. From across the corridor, she shouted my name and called me over. I happily walked over and she told me in her cheerful but mischievious voice, that she cant stand it when I kept quiet and did not say anything. I told her that I dont understand what she meant. She proceeded to tell me that she waited for me for an hour yesterday evening at the squash court and she left her phone at home. To add on to the injury, Jeremy went for golf. OMG. My heart just fell. I felt so damn bad that I took my friend for granted. huhu. I immediately apologised profusely and offered to treat her teatime *not bribing in anyway but that's the least I can do* I am so glad she told me what happened. I am so glad that she did not "sweep it under the carpet". Over teatime, she told me stories that happened over the weekend while I was away. Sigh. She has every right to feel angry but she did not. I am confused by her actions. hahahah. I really felt relieved and glad that I did not lose her over this mistake (:

Today, Siong bought tickets for Ip Man 2 (which btw, is really a good movie. the kind of movie that gives me an unexplainable good feeling) and I am thankful for that. I think he bought it the second time, for me cos he initially bought tickets for the rest. I didnt know who else was going but only knew Chandan and Gayathri will be there. I did again my stupid habit of asking people out for dinner, a day before and then cancelled the last minute cos was dead tired *class ended late today*

I always assumed that at least they have company, so it's ok BUT I know it's NOT ok to break promises or simply assumed things and it's really a bad habit.

I met up with Gayathri and Chandan, who had their dinner there, at Dataran Pahlawan. There's like 10 minutes more till 9.20pm and I stupidly decided to packed a light dinner to have it in cinema. It took quite sometime and to walk from the stall to the cinema took approximatly 5 mins. Chandan went and took the tickets from the rest while Gayathri accompanied me to wait for my food. We reached the cinema entrance bout 9.27pm *approx la* and Gayathri wanted to go to the bathroom. So, me and Chandan entered first. Thankfully the movie havent started and they were playing advertisements. Siong managed to get the middle row. The rest were already seated. 4 guys including Siong. There was 2 seat empty beside Siong and another one right at the other end. The 4 guys were sitting between the empty seats. SO, I sat with Chandan initially and was surprised with the seating arrangement. I was told that my seat is the single seat at the other end. I DID say, "Er, can't you guys like, move a seat?" NOT that I am creating fuss but shouldn't guys be more gentleman? It's not that by moving a seat, the movie will be distorted. Yes, I know that I came in late but not that the movie has started also. I did not want to make things bad and decided to take the single seat at the other end, beside Chin and a a couple of strangers. I was fuming. Angry.

Tell me if I am overreacting or what? but I only came cos I knew Gayathri and Chandan were going. I did not know who else were there other than Siong who was kind enough to buy the tickets. If I wanted to be isolated, MIGHT AS WELL I BUY MY OWN TICKET AND WATCH ALONE. I wanted to send a long message and complained to Leeky *that also felt bad for not watching with her* but decided not too cos my AINO screen is damn huge. People beside me will be able to see what I've wrote. haha. I sent a SMS to Gayathri though. I felt so angry. Call me irrational or dramatic, whatever k! Chandan was so nice to offer to switch places. Made me feel bad cos I dont want to separate the couple. Told them it was ok but they insisted. 2 mins into the show, we switched places. I felt worse cos they were sharing popcorns and drink and now they are seating at both ends, with 5 of us in between. Sigh.

After the movie ended, the couple accompanied me to my car although their car is at the other end. My gosh. I felt so touched.

Thank you, my friends.

This post is really to remind myself not to take things for granted (:
and to announced their good deeds. haha

What I've been up to?

Looks like I'm blogging on a weekly basis. Lol.

Starting from Wednesday night, was invited to Sum's birthday celebration. Had dinner at Simply Fish and proceeded to jetty for karaoke session.

It has been a long time since I went for karaoke session. The first time was with my ex-colleagues (3 girls). They sang Chinese songs and the banana me can only READ out a few simple chinese words and that too, the next sentence will appear. I do know how to sing Jay Chou's "Cloudy day/Qing Tian" *bits and pieces ler*

The second time was with 4 members of gTLiers (Yat tuang, MingChoi, Li Yee and Shin Fei). It was crazy boyband era songs man. We 80's babies do have many cheesy yet memorable songs to sing our hearts out. Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Spice Girls etc HAHAH What outing would it be without photo session following suit? hehe

This time around, the karaoke session was initially dominated by the guys but in the end, only me, Leeky and Alvin were last ones standing. Sum was knocked out earlier after countless shots of whisky. Leeky and I had our fair share of drinks, she just went from idle to energizer bunny with tomato flushed face. We sang our hearts and lungs out (without shoes) to Linkin Park. And the best part was, the huge room (the one's at the corner, literally on Straits of Malacca) was empty except for 3 of us and it was raining thunderstorms outside. Hardcore man. Seriously had so much fun, rocking the night away *insert graphics of me playing electric guitar like a pro*!

It was initially just a normal Wednesday night where Leeky and I planned for our "Ladies nite" but somehow the plan evolved to fit in many other activities. We had Baskin Robbins then played squash, followed by dinner. Supposed to meet up with Gayathri for drinks with her entourage at Jonker's too but managed to persuade her join the gang in Pure bar. hehe. *kinda busy night*

Leeky and I decided at 12 am to drop by Arena but they charge cover-charge for guys. Since Alvin was following us, we skipped the idea and headed to Pure bar. Thank goodness the heavy rain had stopped. So, we continued partying away in Pure bar. That place used to be so good. Now it's just like a mini Indonesia. My gosh. How can they allow Muslims to drink and dance there? If any JAIM members see this (not that they'll chance upon this), PLEASE raid that place on Wednesday night. And if Pure Bar management see this, do something before the crowd moves away.

//

On Thursday, Olive's family invited me and Leeky over for dinner. Her parents are always welcoming. Homecooked food was delish! Really appreciate this friend of mine who has been always kind to us. Thank you so much.

//
Friday was spent hanging out with the bestie.
Leeky sneaked out of Dr Wong's class, just to have breakfast and wanted to go back after breakfast. We even thought of excuses incase he found out. Was utterly talking rubbish in cafetaria until her groupmates came in, informing her that class has ended.
We then decided to do some productive work and Imanaged to drag her to Coffee Bean (not that I like that place but I had a buy1 free 1 coupon) lol!

An effeminate guy sat at the table next to us and had a tattoo of Maneki Neko, Japanese welcoming cat, on the extensor aspect of his right forearm. WTF? hahahaha
Seriously, how does he wave and say Hi? Up down or left right?

Night entertainment was spent at Tesco, snatching cheap toilet rolls from aunties. Not me, the friend.

//
Saturday was another day spent in another coffee outlet, my all-time favourite, Starbucks.
How can you not like Dark Mocha or Javachip? Current love is Dark Mocha! Weee~
Barista was kind to let us try their new product which was some espresso affogato with coffee beans, topped with espresso whip cream, sprinkled with espresso powder. I tell you man, it's so crazy stuff. We went back around 5.30pm. Iwas on my bed from 6pm till 8.30pm, the body was out/flat/sour but the brain was working like it's on steroids. Woke up and found out that my dearest friend, Leeky, had the same problem. Hahahahha

It was so much fun realising that we are so compatible! We had been wearing similar styles twice this week although we have totally different fashion taste and wardrobe.

Decided to go over her place and do some work. Was offered alcohol but actually being guinea pig for the bartender wannabe. She mixed vodka with pink guava juice, apple juice and mixture of both. I had to drink it all. Madness. Spent bout 30 mins fighting, rolling on the bed, waiting for caffeine to wear off and stealing my warmth before we actually fall asleep.

//
Sunday
Woke up for church. Realised there was a minor confusion but resolved nevertheless. Connected to God again.
Had organised a visitation to the old folks' home in the afternoon for Student Council.

I seriously do not understand how does people, after withdrawing their parents hard-earned EPF money, can actually throw them in the streets?
Or how do montrous children abandon their parents when they are well-to-do and living comfortably?
Even if they use the excuse of lack of time due to work to put their parents in the old folks' home, at least visit them often, drop by or pay a minimal fee for their management!

It's such a heartache seeing old people tearing up when they speak about their children who abandon them. Children who are grown up, independent and lead a successful life. Do they not know that THEY to will grow OLD? and I pray that one day the same thing will bestow them!

And I really appreciate volunteers who sacrifice their time, patience, money and life to take care of this unfortunate citizens. That include students who volunteered their time today. There's definitely a difference we made, the smile on their faces say it all and that's the reward we get. The old folks' needed companion, someone to talk to, to feel important or significant and not to be forgotten.

I am positive that during the journey back in the college bus, everyone was feeling happy and contented, because I did. The atmosphere was different from the time when we were on the way towards the home. It was arterall a lazy Sunday afternoon (:

I felt a little gesture does made a difference. I am glad the old folks' had new mattresses to sleep on (donation of used but good condition matteresses from the college), entertained by our presence and performances and had fun talking to us.

I learn to apppreciate my parent and granparent more today.
It brings me tears to know that one day we will be parted. Hence, it's best to enjoy every moment with them.

Shit happens

Today is not like any other day. Today is a super-sueh, unlucky day!
T________T

Started from last nite, wanted to take a short nap for an hour (9pm). Even asked my bro to wake me up an hour later but the weakling me decided to sleep another 10minutes without turning on the alarm and consequently, slept for 10 continuous hours. Such a klutz and lazy ass.

Then in the morning, thanks to my overconfidence, my friend received a love-letter from the traffic police because he parked on the motorbike lots. Other cars did that normally. SERIOUSLY, who gives a parking ticket IN THE BLOODY HOSPITAL compound? Shhessh. Furthermore, with the college sticker proudly displaying on the windscreen, couldn't the police cut some slacks?! AND the 3 to 4 cars next to his did not receive any parking ticket and we were only there for ONE hour. gRRRR!

After that, 2 more personal incidents happened. Make me feel like shit. So much turmoil inside. sad sad sad. It's not something that can be solve easily and kinda serious matter too.. sighhh

Then in the evening, me and 2 other friends went to the hospital to see cases. When we asked the doctors in the ward for cases, the bloody doctor, laughingly said I look MATURE. wtf. thank you SOO very much. dahla I am younger than her. *sticks out middle finger*

Plus, have to pay for my laundry (a freaking full suit saree with a few scarves) that cost RM 50++ cos I sent it for dry cleaning. Shit ass expensive. Arrgghh.
The next time when I wear saree, I'm gonna wash it the traditional way, which is by the river.

Lastly, when I got back today from random shopping, I realised there're a few scratches at the corner of my car's bumper, near the front tyre. T_____T Heart ache betul. I havent even celebrate it's 1st month anniversary! /BITTER
Can I find a black car to scrap the paint of it and patch it to my car?? HUHUHUHUHU..
My car is officially retired till further notice.

<3 talk

Something, or rather someone has been lingering in my head for the longest time...
All the what ifs, and what nots..
Knowing that there's no possibility, why does the heart (with all the wrong feelings) torturing the mind which affects the soul?
Such a sad state to be in.

But fret not, *convincing myself* I will sleep it off! and wake up to a new day with a huge grin on my face *probably not. more like a huge sigh.. haihhh* and waits patiently :)

Thank God, there's a place like home: a place to escape

Damn emo sial. must be the hot weather.

you know what?

It's so hard telling people this. Harder to make them understand.

Sometimes when I smile, I am actually saving whatever dignity I have..

Why are people so judgmental and critical towards me? ... are really beyond my understanding..
Do you really know me, to even pass me those comments? What rights do you have for making me a joke for your own sadistic purpose? How dare you pass comments without thinking of my feelings?

There's difference between friendly jokes and pull-you-down-to-make-me-happy kind of jokes.

Is it because I am too nice, too soft, easily bullied or I have the tidak-apa-attitude?

In those situations, what am I supposed to do when my feelings are compromised? Be it publicly humiliated or privately confronted.
...Laugh it off, as usual and havin the cycles repeat?
...Confront, saying, "I dont like it", but afraid of sounding too harsh
... or easiest way, act blur and ignore those comments.

I know the comments are true. but whatever reason, you have no rights in making me feel this way.
Partially my fault for not standing up for myself. Sigh.
But like I said, if the comments are true, how do one defend oneself?
Double sigh.
It's personal attack k.. huhuh. and I am hurt.





p.s: jus to be fair, I know I make fun of others also but my jokes are in general. Never personal attack. and of course I know the other person well enough to make fun of.
p.p.s: think of happy thoughts. happie thots. :)
p.p.p.s: feels better now. don need sympathy. just venting out. mwah!

it just keeps getting better

with each passing day, and i don't know if i like the way things are heading because the better it gets, the more afraid i am. sometimes i wonder if it's all in my head, but when you look at me the way you look at me and when you say those things you say to me, it just makes me think that you feel it too.

i wish that this does not have to come to an end, but we both know it's not possible and there will be no end to this.

so maybe, just maybe, you should stop being so nice to me and stop looking at me like you do, then maybe, just maybe, this feeling will go away, someday....


..flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things come to an end..

i can't keep my hands off the cookie jar

i can't even bring myself to justify the kind of things that goes through my mind when you look at me the way you look at me.

why does it feel so damn right when deep down inside, i know it's all wrong?




SIGH!

Pharmac Bigmac?

Today's Pharmacology papers are killers.

Die la die laaaaaaa *muka panic with flapping hand movements*

T___________T

I just wanna sleep.. huhuhu